Post by tamara on Jun 18, 2007 2:00:33 GMT -5
Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I truly believe in the power of such things and feel often they are the source of strength we find when we dont know if we can continue. I know many of you have shared your own losses with us and if I didnt know how exactly how hard it was for you before, I know well now. I wish to share my notes and emails with friends during these past few days with you all as there is sadness but also greatness I wish to share.
Thanks again
Tamara
Monday
“Tammy, please call me back -its an emergency!” Message sent Monday June 11 at 3:16 PM. Press 2 to save, Press 3 to erase and continue.... message saved.
Cin ye is gone.
Tuesday early AM
We drove all night, 12 midnight, the Little Bear asks how much longer? -6 hours. 1 AM: What town is this? 2AM: Can we stop at this gas station? 3 AM: “I am still awake!” 4 AM: Where are we now? 6AM: “I knew I could stay up all night! -I didnt sleep even once!” All I can think of is what a joy he is going to be this morning... Bears need their sleep. Cant sleep and cant see thru the tears. Unbelievable plans.
Wednesday
Tried hard to find a picture of a young man who like Crazy Horse would not allow his picture to be taken. I knew I had one on my laptop but for some reason, it would not start up. Windows would not resume... cant find the picture... it this happening for a reason?
Spent hours with brothers and sister-in-law writing an obituary. Very detailed and very sad. Bump and Click. It was gone from my laptop. 30 minutes to deadline to submit to the funeral home. No choice but to send a very basic one. ... is this happening for a reason?
In Black and White -it must be true...
Danen Jeffery St John 42, died Monday June 11, 2007 at his residence in Sisseton, SD.
There will be an a wake service on Thursday 7PM in the Sisseton Wahpeton Community Center at Old Agency Village. Funeral services will be Friday in the Community Center at 2PM
Danen enjoyed life in many ways. He was a loyal and knowledgeable Oakland Raiders, Oakland A's and Nascar fan. He loved the outdoors, either working or fishing. His favorite place for both being Pickrel Lake. He was a man of many skills and could quickly become an expert in anything he found himself unfamiliar with. When he found something that interested him or something he did not know well, he viewed it as a challenge to learn, even learning to play bass guitar and playing in a band. His latest challenge was repairing and restoring cars.
He graduated from Sisseton High School in 1982. He moved to Sioux Falls, SD where he worked as a commercial painter. After returning home to Sisseton, he was employed by Sisseton Wahpeton Housing Authority for a number of years. This period of time was valued by him as he enjoyed the people he worked with and had the opportunity to work with both his grandfather Richard Keeble Sr and his uncle Dennis Keeble. He later became a self-employed and as St John Construction, he sponsored his bowling team in a sport he was well known to be competitive in.
Survivors include one daughter, Danae St John and a grandson, Dante. His long-time companion, Kim Amos and step-children, Sarah and Sam Bernard, and Matt Dubois. His mother Karen Brown and step-father, Duane Brown. His father Philip St.John and step-mother Kayan. Three Sisters, Tamara St John Tordsen, Danielle St John Adams, and Shelly St John, also two step-sisters Brenda and Michelle.
Five brothers, Terry St John, Phil St John Jr, Thad St John, Erik Brown and Brandan St John. Three Step-brothers James C Brown, Jose Brown and Brad Brown.
Thursday
Today is the day my big brother comes home.. only not to his house. I go to his house and wish to see him... sit the chair where he died and look at how he had designed some lighting system to be moved over the table in front of him where he might be working on something intricate. The computer close and of course SPEED channel on the tv. I realize he is the reason I watch racing.. the reason I like the Oakland Raiders. I will miss his calls when my driver runs into the wall , yelling "yeah!.." and then hanging up. He was our leader... he was the man of our little family when my mom was single up until we were teenagers... we called him DAD..sort of as a joke that stuck. he would leave messages on my phone telling me "this is your dad.. give me a call"... I am lost without him. Please pray for me and for Kim whose house is quiet and her bedroom lonely at night... she is so beautiful and caring... still walking and breathing... taking care of him.. she and I will lay him to rest with brothers singing. I will stay with him from the moment he arrives at 5:30 PM until morning comes and pipe ceremony. Might try to sleep in the AM (doubt I will) and then we say final goodbyes at 2:00 PM Agency Village Community Center. Sounds like lots of people will come... I can do this, cant I?.. I have to, right? I dont think I will cut my hair tho...
Friday Evening
I am so so so tired... I am going to make myself sleep tonight. I stayed up through the night for the wake service. The Bear and I were the only ones who never never left. But he had a little nest in the corner of the community center... lol slept through the morning drum songs. After we closed the casket at midnight we had a hand drum contest of the Eyabay boys... my brothers and persons like Jason Kingbird. They are amazing and I will never forget it. Watching the young men warming the various handrums over the stoves to tighten them and then putting just enough water on them to get the tone they want. Most were love songs -wishing songs and some were just teasing and funny. Very cool and the quality of the singing couldnt be matched as they are truly champion singers and it shows. My son got it all on digital and I cant wait to download them... but sadly behind each young man in each video clip is the casket of my big brother, covered in the Oakland Raiders Quilt I bought this past Christmas -for myself. He really is gone. Covered in kisses, hugs and tears. Between 3 and 4 AM I laid my cheek on the top of the casket and wrapped my arms around it... thinking about how his heart didnt beat inside or that he had no breath... looking at the picture of he and I sharing a popcicle or playing in the park... me obviously learning to walk and him holding my hands to steady me... quiet and peaceful, my son came and stood beside me and asked me to tell him everything I was thinking of... how strong to not be afraid of someone else 's pain. Pipe ceremony at sunrise and just before we were done a picture of him tipped over on the table... one of him fishing as a child and one of him fishing as an adult last year in one frame. If I believed in signs I would have believed that that was one. Little sleep and many prayers and rememberences, new songs made for Cin ye or Older Brother, sung by younger brothers until every hand was shaken. Beautiful burial site and final good-byes. The Little Bear stepped in line behind the men to shovel. So small in a suit, he picked up the shovel and scooped some dirt to throw into his uncle's grave and then kicked the shovel into the dirt as deep as his 45 pounds would dig it in.. then again. I see the uncles and grandpa's smile, aunties and grandma's cry... he is much bigger than his 5 years and does these things without prompting.. just like he made a point to stay the night there with me... the only kid who did, he did better than many of the older children in supporting the family loss, simply by his wish to be there last night... almost makes up for the constant harassment for quarters for pop machine, the endless want to jump from bed to bed in the motel and the apparently extremely amusing variety of noises he can make that cause loud laughter amongst the 8 small children who rode in the back to two rows of seats in the limo... the driver and I happy for the short distance from the burial site back to the community hall where we were to eat.. 8 beautiful nieces and nephews in sunday best, making a puppet show with a giant white mum and two red roses, forgetting the present for the excitement of a ride in a limo. I know they are the future, a bright light in the dark day... I just dont know what makes me ask all of them to come with me.. just me and them... for a moment there is smiling and laughter... even the driver is looking in the rearview mirror and laughing. The Bear is hungry and looking for food before the prayers... I forgot to feed him. Lovely aunt seems him on tip toes looking into a big box of fry bread "Here, have the other half of your uncles bread" she says as she carries out a "spirit plate".
Saturday
We are crying over old work boots and white cake with cin ye's picture on it. The boys each want the piece with the Oakland Raiders sign on it and one wins by having the nerve to lick it before the decision is handed down. So many wonderful things sent and so much love, trying to fill up holes in souls. We cut and style chopped hair and send flowers and plants with thank yous. We hug relatives good-bye, lying to them, telling them we know we will be okay.
Thanks again
Tamara
Monday
“Tammy, please call me back -its an emergency!” Message sent Monday June 11 at 3:16 PM. Press 2 to save, Press 3 to erase and continue.... message saved.
Cin ye is gone.
Tuesday early AM
We drove all night, 12 midnight, the Little Bear asks how much longer? -6 hours. 1 AM: What town is this? 2AM: Can we stop at this gas station? 3 AM: “I am still awake!” 4 AM: Where are we now? 6AM: “I knew I could stay up all night! -I didnt sleep even once!” All I can think of is what a joy he is going to be this morning... Bears need their sleep. Cant sleep and cant see thru the tears. Unbelievable plans.
Wednesday
Tried hard to find a picture of a young man who like Crazy Horse would not allow his picture to be taken. I knew I had one on my laptop but for some reason, it would not start up. Windows would not resume... cant find the picture... it this happening for a reason?
Spent hours with brothers and sister-in-law writing an obituary. Very detailed and very sad. Bump and Click. It was gone from my laptop. 30 minutes to deadline to submit to the funeral home. No choice but to send a very basic one. ... is this happening for a reason?
In Black and White -it must be true...
Danen Jeffery St John 42, died Monday June 11, 2007 at his residence in Sisseton, SD.
There will be an a wake service on Thursday 7PM in the Sisseton Wahpeton Community Center at Old Agency Village. Funeral services will be Friday in the Community Center at 2PM
Danen enjoyed life in many ways. He was a loyal and knowledgeable Oakland Raiders, Oakland A's and Nascar fan. He loved the outdoors, either working or fishing. His favorite place for both being Pickrel Lake. He was a man of many skills and could quickly become an expert in anything he found himself unfamiliar with. When he found something that interested him or something he did not know well, he viewed it as a challenge to learn, even learning to play bass guitar and playing in a band. His latest challenge was repairing and restoring cars.
He graduated from Sisseton High School in 1982. He moved to Sioux Falls, SD where he worked as a commercial painter. After returning home to Sisseton, he was employed by Sisseton Wahpeton Housing Authority for a number of years. This period of time was valued by him as he enjoyed the people he worked with and had the opportunity to work with both his grandfather Richard Keeble Sr and his uncle Dennis Keeble. He later became a self-employed and as St John Construction, he sponsored his bowling team in a sport he was well known to be competitive in.
Survivors include one daughter, Danae St John and a grandson, Dante. His long-time companion, Kim Amos and step-children, Sarah and Sam Bernard, and Matt Dubois. His mother Karen Brown and step-father, Duane Brown. His father Philip St.John and step-mother Kayan. Three Sisters, Tamara St John Tordsen, Danielle St John Adams, and Shelly St John, also two step-sisters Brenda and Michelle.
Five brothers, Terry St John, Phil St John Jr, Thad St John, Erik Brown and Brandan St John. Three Step-brothers James C Brown, Jose Brown and Brad Brown.
Thursday
Today is the day my big brother comes home.. only not to his house. I go to his house and wish to see him... sit the chair where he died and look at how he had designed some lighting system to be moved over the table in front of him where he might be working on something intricate. The computer close and of course SPEED channel on the tv. I realize he is the reason I watch racing.. the reason I like the Oakland Raiders. I will miss his calls when my driver runs into the wall , yelling "yeah!.." and then hanging up. He was our leader... he was the man of our little family when my mom was single up until we were teenagers... we called him DAD..sort of as a joke that stuck. he would leave messages on my phone telling me "this is your dad.. give me a call"... I am lost without him. Please pray for me and for Kim whose house is quiet and her bedroom lonely at night... she is so beautiful and caring... still walking and breathing... taking care of him.. she and I will lay him to rest with brothers singing. I will stay with him from the moment he arrives at 5:30 PM until morning comes and pipe ceremony. Might try to sleep in the AM (doubt I will) and then we say final goodbyes at 2:00 PM Agency Village Community Center. Sounds like lots of people will come... I can do this, cant I?.. I have to, right? I dont think I will cut my hair tho...
Friday Evening
I am so so so tired... I am going to make myself sleep tonight. I stayed up through the night for the wake service. The Bear and I were the only ones who never never left. But he had a little nest in the corner of the community center... lol slept through the morning drum songs. After we closed the casket at midnight we had a hand drum contest of the Eyabay boys... my brothers and persons like Jason Kingbird. They are amazing and I will never forget it. Watching the young men warming the various handrums over the stoves to tighten them and then putting just enough water on them to get the tone they want. Most were love songs -wishing songs and some were just teasing and funny. Very cool and the quality of the singing couldnt be matched as they are truly champion singers and it shows. My son got it all on digital and I cant wait to download them... but sadly behind each young man in each video clip is the casket of my big brother, covered in the Oakland Raiders Quilt I bought this past Christmas -for myself. He really is gone. Covered in kisses, hugs and tears. Between 3 and 4 AM I laid my cheek on the top of the casket and wrapped my arms around it... thinking about how his heart didnt beat inside or that he had no breath... looking at the picture of he and I sharing a popcicle or playing in the park... me obviously learning to walk and him holding my hands to steady me... quiet and peaceful, my son came and stood beside me and asked me to tell him everything I was thinking of... how strong to not be afraid of someone else 's pain. Pipe ceremony at sunrise and just before we were done a picture of him tipped over on the table... one of him fishing as a child and one of him fishing as an adult last year in one frame. If I believed in signs I would have believed that that was one. Little sleep and many prayers and rememberences, new songs made for Cin ye or Older Brother, sung by younger brothers until every hand was shaken. Beautiful burial site and final good-byes. The Little Bear stepped in line behind the men to shovel. So small in a suit, he picked up the shovel and scooped some dirt to throw into his uncle's grave and then kicked the shovel into the dirt as deep as his 45 pounds would dig it in.. then again. I see the uncles and grandpa's smile, aunties and grandma's cry... he is much bigger than his 5 years and does these things without prompting.. just like he made a point to stay the night there with me... the only kid who did, he did better than many of the older children in supporting the family loss, simply by his wish to be there last night... almost makes up for the constant harassment for quarters for pop machine, the endless want to jump from bed to bed in the motel and the apparently extremely amusing variety of noises he can make that cause loud laughter amongst the 8 small children who rode in the back to two rows of seats in the limo... the driver and I happy for the short distance from the burial site back to the community hall where we were to eat.. 8 beautiful nieces and nephews in sunday best, making a puppet show with a giant white mum and two red roses, forgetting the present for the excitement of a ride in a limo. I know they are the future, a bright light in the dark day... I just dont know what makes me ask all of them to come with me.. just me and them... for a moment there is smiling and laughter... even the driver is looking in the rearview mirror and laughing. The Bear is hungry and looking for food before the prayers... I forgot to feed him. Lovely aunt seems him on tip toes looking into a big box of fry bread "Here, have the other half of your uncles bread" she says as she carries out a "spirit plate".
Saturday
We are crying over old work boots and white cake with cin ye's picture on it. The boys each want the piece with the Oakland Raiders sign on it and one wins by having the nerve to lick it before the decision is handed down. So many wonderful things sent and so much love, trying to fill up holes in souls. We cut and style chopped hair and send flowers and plants with thank yous. We hug relatives good-bye, lying to them, telling them we know we will be okay.